THINGS GO SMOOTHER WHEN IDGAF

Why is this so true about me and things that happen to me? Only thing I hated about not caring is that the wrong people distanced themselves. I just wanna feel good for 1 whole day. I know I'm not gonna live long. Got too much against me, but I hope that I get a good day outta this mess of a life before it's over. Peace!

HIP HOP SAVED MY LIFE: Really...DILLIGAF?

HIP HOP SAVED MY LIFE: Really...DILLIGAF?: "I've had so many downs that I can count the ups. I remember a time when I really couldn't care less about being alive. I still feel like on..."

Really...DILLIGAF?

I've had so many downs that I can count the ups. I remember a time when I really couldn't care less about being alive. I still feel like one morning I'll wake up & this life was a bad dream. Folks think that I should be happy to have what I have when they don't really know what I "have". I have a mess that I sugar coat. Like shit looks sweet on the outside but is bitter as hell. Life is a bitch & it has bitten the hell outta me. I used to think that one day it'll make sense but uhhh, still waiting. Maybe someone will jump out on me & tell me I've been punkd.

a little bit of life

Yo! so like over the past few weeks i've figured out a few more things about life. life is full of silly things. life is full of bs too. life is filled with people who are sneaky and deceitful. in my life, friends are people who wouldn't intentionally hurt me, betray me or any wrongdoi ng and who would be there for me and do anything for me if possible. i have maybe a handful and a 1/2. maybe 2 outta those got my back through thick and thin. but i have all of their backs regardless. i give a lot and care a lot for my friends. i have a friend, james, who i've known for about 12 years. we may talk once every few months but we have a bond that can't be brroken. we're like the same people just different sexes. having friends, too me, means a lot. i've never done anything to hurt any friend i've had in my life. man, life just isn't fair.

untitled

SO I'M GOING THROUGH SOME OLD PICS AND OTHER MISC. THINGS AND I FOUND THIS JOURNAL TYPE ENTRY I GUESS YOU COULD SAY ABOUT MY DAD. THE DATE ON IT IS 4/14/1992. JUST WANTED TO SHARE.

I MISS MY FATHER. I WISH HE WASN'T ON DRUGS. I LOVE HIM. WHEN I WAS LITTLE, WE USED TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN. HE USED TO REALLLY TAKE TIME OUT AND PLAY WITH ME. WE USED TO GO PLACES.
I REMEMBER ALL THE SONGS HE LIKED. WE USED TO GO PICK MA UP FROM WORK AND WE USED TO PLAY THIS GAME.
WE WOULD PICK A CAR LIKE A VOLKSWAGEN AND WHOEVER SAW AND COUNTED THE MOST VOLKSWAGENS WOULD WIN.
I WISH THAT THINGS COULD BE LIKE THEY USED TO.



JUST WANNA ELABORATE ON A COUPLE THINGS FROM THE ABOVE.
MY DAD LOVED MUSIC. ALL KINDS. SOMETHING I PICKED UP FROM DEAR OLD DAD. BUT WHEN I HEAR ANY SONGS I REMEMBER HIM LOVING, I HAVE TO TURN OR I'LL CRY. LET SOME EARTH, WIND & FIRE POP UP ON MY IPOD OH I'M HITTING SKIP WITH THE QUICKNESS. I STILL MISS THOSE DAYS WITH MY DAD. HAD HIM FOR A GOOD 12 YEARS AND THOSE WERE THE BEST TIMES OF MY LIFE.

IT NEVER ENDS

SOOO, I'M SO CONFUSED ABOUT ALL OF THE THINGS THAT ARE CONSUMING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I FEEL LIKE THE LID ON A POT THAT'S BOILING OVER. SAME THING DAY IN AND DAY OUT. SO REDUNDANT. I SAID I WASN'T BUT I AM. I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUT AN ICEBOX WHERE MY HEART USED TO BE, CORNY IT MAY SOUND BUT I'M TIRED OF ALL THESE MIXED EMOTIONS ALL DAY EVERYDAY. WHEN I WAS HARD AS A ROCK, MY FEELINGS NEVER GOT HURT BECAUSE I DIDN'T ALLOW THEM TO. I GOTTA GET BACK THERE. IT'S LIKE I HAD NO PROBLEMS. MUST'VE BLOCKED ALL THAT SHIT OUT. I'M WITH RAYNELL I'M TRYNA DISAPPEAR. THINGS ARE ONLY GONNA GET WORSE BEFORE THEY GET BETTER. I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO. EVERYBODY I TRY TO TALK TO PUTS ME IN A BOX WITH EVERYONE ON EARTH WHO HAS PROBLEMS. PROBLEMS I WISH. I'M A MANIC DEPRESSIVE PERSON. IT'S NOT LIKE I WOKE UP ONE MORNING AND DECIDED HEY FROM HERE ON OUT I'M GONNA BE THIS DEPRESSED PSYCHO. WHEN I IKEPT EVERYTHING TO MYSELF IT WAS A PROBLEM. NOW THAT I FEEL COMFORTABLE OPENING UP TO FOLKS IT'S STILL A PROBLEM. I DON' T THINK I'VE CRIED AS MUCH AS I HAVE BEEN LATELY IN MY WHOLE LIFE. THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ARE NOT GOOD FOR ME. I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY NEVER WILL. I'M DONE. JUST NEEDED TO VENT. I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO UNDERSTAND. JUST LISTEN SINCERELY. THAT'S ALL I ASK. NOBODY CAN DO THAT. IT'S LIKE I'M JUDGED BEFORE I EVEN SAY A WORD. MAYBE I'LL JUST BE QUIET AND ONLY TALK TO THE PROFESSIONAL. PEACE THE F OUT.

bday

i wrote this on 12/28/08. i write a lot and it's always honest and sometimes blunt but here is what i call bday.

if i could start all over i wouldnt start at all
i'd make my father pull out b4 he came
no need for a baby shower or picking baby names
this is my struggle, my pain and strife
all of this just to live a life
and how can i b thankful and feel this bad
everyday is a maybe for me and you too
33 now but lets go back to the beginning
the start of all of my ill feelings
not only towards life but people too
starting with my mom
and dad's big fuck u
i've been alone since 12/28/1985
a long time to feel dead and be alive
i never knew what was wrong or how to make it right
mom paid no attention made my problems seem slight
that's when i prayed to die every night
i just wanonted to be with my grandmother who always made me feel loved
not like i was in the way getting pushed and shoved
now everybody say since i'm grown aww get over it
i say fuck you all you didn't go thru my shit

bday dec 28 08